Kinky or Not?

There are an awful lot of prejudices and misconceptions about Power Exchange and BDSM, in general.  Obviously katie and I have some opinions about the “ethics” or “morality” of our life choices.

BDSM

The Power Exchange lifestyle technically falls under the larger umbrella of BDSM.  However, in some ways that is like saying that every murderer and saint all fall under the same umbrella of “human.”  It might provide some very general commonalities, but knowing the umbrella tells you very little about the specific human in question.

With an umbrella as vast as BDSM, we decided we needed a way to sort the components, so we knew both our personal interest, and our ethical stance.  We came up with some of the following guidelines:

Intense Sensation

Much of the physical/sexual/ bedroom activity in BDSM is about “intense sensation.”  katie and I are gentle souls, and don’t really understand the blatantly sadistic mindset of “I enjoy causing another to suffer.”  On the other hand, we totally understand that some people enjoy providing or receiving “intense sensation” that others would find unwelcome.

Is it unethical to give or receive intense sensation following negotiation and enthusiastic consent?  The idea is ludicrous.  The world is full of examples of one person inflicting hardship on another, with that person’s enthusiastic consent.  Personal trainers.  Shamanistic ordeals.   Butt Implants.  And sexually intense sensation is now so commonplace that it barely deserves to be called “kinky.”

You can have a lover drip hot wax on you and call it kinky, or you can have a professional dip you in hot wax and call it “aesthetics” or have a professional rip out your pubes with hot wax and call it “grooming.”  Is having a stranger do it what makes it OK, but having someone you like do it means it is perverted?

Consent

If the people engaged in the behavior all enthusiastically agree to it, is it any of my business?  Y’know… there are so many shitty things going on in the world, where people are being bullied, disenfranchised, abused and taken advantage-of, that I find it hard to work up a lot of picket-waving indignation about people doing stuff together that makes them happy and for which there is consent.

Want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane together?    Or visit some exotic location and eat zany food.  Or live in the woods and raise goats.  Or live in a tiny apartment in a huge city.  Or bike across the country.  Or stick ginger root in your butt.  All of that is weird as fuck, but knock yourself out.  We don’t care, as long as the folks involved have offered fully informed consent.

People enthusiastically consent to having their genitals cut off.  Me and my genitals don’t understand your decision, but we’ll march in a parade supporting it.

Interest / Attraction

Another way we sort the world of BDSM is by our personal interest in it.  There are things we like, and things we don’t.  Some of those interests we have in common (with each other), and others we don’t.  I like porn, and katie wonders why that girl insists on saying “oh yeah oh yeah” for 20 minutes.  There are a few kinds of intense sensation that we like in small doses, and others that make us go “la la la la” and leave the room.

Under the giant umbrella of BDSM, what attracts us the most, and fuels our daily life, are the “alternative relationships” that all get smushed under the entirely inadequate heading of “DS.”  (In BDSM – the DS is generally accepted to include Dominance and Submission.)  The more accurate over-arching term is Power Exchange or Authority Transfer, and D/s is simply one expression of that.

Kinky or Not?

Enough already, Kevin!  I want to know:  is it naughty?

We support and endorse and live a non-traditional lifestyle.  By almost any measure you care to apply, our lifestyle is a huge success.  We are healthy and happy.  We have a long lasting relationship that we treasure.  We support each other on our journey of personal growth.

Do we do things you might not?  Yes.  Do we go places you might not?  Yes.

Are we perverts?  Only if you are a prude.  How about instead we meet in the middle and see what we can learn from each other, eh?